When writing, I always find it easier to put myself in someone else’s shoes, and try to understand their story, their struggle. I want to capture story’s of people who come from all places, but don’t feel like they have a way to let people know what’s going on inside. I try to help others understand people’s perspectives instead of judging someone they really don’t know. And while I love this, I think sometimes I use this as a scapegoat. I focus on other’s struggles and stories because I’m too scared to recognize my own. And even if I do begin writing about what’s going on in my heart and my life, I put the pen down and tear the page out because I find myself wondering if anybody truly cares, if anybody actually wants to know my story. That’s me, and it defines my story..Insecurity. Looking at that fills me with regret. I despise the fact that I lack confidence, that no matter what, there’s always something inside of me that says I’m not good enough. No matter how hard I try, how intensely I work, I still feel like the expectations are higher than my ability can reach. I hate feeling sorry for myself, for feeling like I’m struggling with something that’s seems so skin deep to me. I sit, and feel like I’m lacking, while other people are truly struggling..maybe that’s why I’d rather write their stories than my own, because to me, their stories are more important than mine.
That’s what I first wrote, and then I realized how ignorant I’m being. I was not created to be good enough for anybody or anything. I was created to be used because Christ finds value in my ability, in all of our abilities. In Romans, Paul explains how we all have different gifts, but no matter which gifts we are given we are to use them to glorify Christ. We are all apart of the body of Christ, and without each one of us the body still may function, but it won’t be the same without a hand or a foot. It will make it harder to reach as many people as we possibly could if the whole body isn’t intact.
In Psalm 139, David talks about being fully known by God. He says that God knows of our coming and going, he knew us before we were even born. He knows all of our mistakes, all of our secrets, yet he loves us anyway because to him we are seen as his beautiful children. The Bible says that we were made fearfully and wonderfully by our Creator who has everlasting love for us. I can’t think of any greater truth than that.
I’m always pushing and pushing myself to be better and better, but I now realize that there is no point to that unless I’m striving for Christ because he’s the one that always finds value in me. And that I need to share my story. I need to open up because maybe someone needs to know my story, too, so they can realize that they have so much value.
Thank you Jesus for finding value in worth in me, one who is so underserving. Thank you for seeing me purely and righteously, and for washing me clean. Thank you for using me for you glory, and for designing a purpose for me. Thank you for always being with me, and for reminding me that you made me fearfully and wonderfully. I’m sorry that I don’t always recognize how deeply you care for me, but I just praise you for never letting me go, and for always welcoming me home. I pray for those who are struggling with insecurity. I pray that you’ll be their encourager, and that you’ll remind them how loved and valued they are. Thank you for creating me as I am. I love you Lord. Amen.
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