Home

Never has a buzzer woken me

To such a beginning as it did

I moaned as I read 3 a.m. 

My body fell out of bed 

And rode to a plane 

That flew me to a vast, new place

Completely unknown to me

Far from my family

That same place became my home

I ran off the plane

Sprinting, wide eyed, ready to embrace

Everything coming my way

Little did I know

It was more than I could take

A rickety bus took me across dirt roads

A side window allowed me to see 

Mountains and trees 

Everything new and amazing to me

Someone said bed and I fell in

Not knowing it was the last time

I’d fall asleep with blinded eyes

Sharp streams of sunlight 

Sunk into my skin

Welcoming me to change

To embrace

To new life

I ran and ran

Sprinting up the mountainside

Praying this trip would turn out alright

Washing out the voices of negativity

Replacing them with Yes Lord

And I am yours

Then they came

My babies

My friends

Captors of my heart

The meaning for my being

Broken heart after broken heart 

Stepping off of a bus 

And running into my arms

Strangers that I somehow knew

And then she

The smallest one

Changed me entirely

Her deep brown eyes

Crying desperate

They stung me

Her sweet sweet kisses

Begging love me

They tore me

Her angelic smile

Saying know me

It broke me

So I held her and held her

Kissed her and kissed her

And we danced and we sang

And I wished we could stay this way

Springing from her heart was this hope

Overwhelming our souls was this joy

And we knew, just knew

We were in the presence of Jesus

And there was this peace with us

Despite the aches

Despite the pain

Between the cracks of breaking hearts

And the scars written on beaten faces

Penetrating hope sang

You’re home

You’re home 

You’re home

Golden melodies escaped from their voices

Voices that sang with profound truth

Telling their stories

Sharing their hearts

Through abandonment

Rape

Aids 

Disease

Theft

Neglect

Pain 

Anger

Life

These orphans

They live in hope

They illustrate faith

They illuminate joy

They became my home

Because home is where you’re completey known

Where fear and pain are incapable of taking away

The light and joy that keeps me sane

Home is where I live out my purpose

Where I am called and where I am found

Where my heart is desperate to return

Home is with my babies in Africa

This truth became evident to me

And my soul was taken with despair

When I thought of leaving my new home

And returning to a place where I was no longer known

When I imagined explaining this new story

And finding no words to capture this journey

Wondering how I could take people with me

In a way that could help them walk with me

And walk with my orphans

So I cried out and prayed to the Lord

Until my eyes opened wide

Could no longer stay awake

And I fell into a bed

Not knowing what was to come

But trusting the Lord had a plan

Never has a buzzer awoken me 

To such a beginning as it did 

I cried as I read 5 a.m.

My heart collapsed in my chest

And I climbed aboard the bus with my team

That took me to a now alien place

To a place completely unknown to me

So far away from my African family

Part of My Story

When writing, I always find it easier to put myself in someone else’s shoes, and try to understand their story, their struggle. I want to capture story’s of people who come from all places, but don’t feel like they have a way to let people know what’s going on inside. I try to help others understand people’s perspectives instead of judging someone they really don’t know. And while I love this, I think sometimes I use this as a scapegoat. I focus on other’s struggles and stories because I’m too scared to recognize my own. And even if I do begin writing about what’s going on in my heart and my life, I put the pen down and tear the page out because I find myself wondering if anybody truly cares, if anybody actually wants to know my story.  That’s me, and it defines my story..Insecurity. Looking at that fills me with regret. I despise the fact that I lack confidence, that no matter what, there’s always something inside of me that says I’m not good enough. No matter how hard I try, how intensely I work, I still feel like the expectations are higher than my ability can reach.  I hate feeling sorry for myself, for feeling like I’m struggling with something that’s seems so skin deep to me.  I sit, and feel like I’m lacking, while other people are truly struggling..maybe that’s why I’d rather write their stories than my own, because to me, their stories are more important than mine.

That’s what I first wrote, and then I realized how ignorant I’m being. I was not created to be good enough for anybody or anything. I was created to be used because Christ finds value in my ability, in all of our abilities. In Romans, Paul explains how we all have different gifts, but no matter which gifts we are given we are to use them to glorify Christ.  We are all apart of the body of Christ, and without each one of us the body still may function, but it won’t be the same without a hand or a foot. It will make it harder to reach as many people as we possibly could if the whole body isn’t intact. 

In Psalm 139, David talks about being fully known by God. He says that God knows of our coming and going, he knew us before we were even born.  He knows all of our mistakes, all of our secrets, yet he loves us anyway because to him we are seen as his beautiful children.  The Bible says that we were made fearfully and wonderfully by our Creator who has everlasting love for us. I can’t think of any greater truth than that. 

I’m always pushing and pushing myself to be better and better, but I now realize that there is no point to that unless I’m striving for Christ because he’s the one that always finds value in me. And that I need to share my story. I need to open up because maybe someone needs to know my story, too, so they can realize that they have so much value. 

Thank you Jesus for finding value in worth in me, one who is so underserving.  Thank you for seeing me purely and righteously, and for washing me clean. Thank you for using me for you glory, and for designing a purpose for me.  Thank you for always being with me, and for reminding me that you made me fearfully and wonderfully. I’m sorry that I don’t always recognize how deeply you care for me, but I just praise you for never letting me go, and for always welcoming me home. I pray for those who are struggling with insecurity. I pray that you’ll be their encourager, and that you’ll remind them how loved and valued they are.  Thank you for creating me as I am. I love you Lord. Amen.   

Look at Me

Look at me, look at me

Intensely and closely

And you’ll see 

I’m not who I was made to be

I’m seriously hurting

But not today

Because today you’re too busy

So today you just glance and leave

Quickly and easily

Because actually looking might mean caring

And caring could mean hurting

And hurting should mean really feeling

And what if you feel what I feel

And you have to take extra time to see if I’m alright

And that shouldn’t be expected 

When your schedule is so tight

Right?

Right...

Because helping me means vulnerability

And that is outcast in society

So even if I’m breaking

Even if you can see porcelain me finally cracking

It’s justified to smile and walk by

Because I’ll probably be just fine

Listen to me, listen to me

Attentively and sincerely

And you’ll hear

My pulse is barely beating

And my soul, it’s screaming

But not today

Because today you’re in a rush

Today you only hear the reminders of events

So you just ignore me and flee

Swiftly and carelessly

Because listening might mean hearing

And hearing could mean sympathy

And sympathy should mean relating

And what if our lives are alike

And you feel obligated to spend more time with me

And why should you get stuck with the hurting

When you have places to be

Right?

Maybe next time you’ll think twice

Because when I went home I wasn’t fine

I was depressed and angry

So I took stab at my fading life

I can’t blame you

You can’t blame yourself

But can we please join together

And stop this from becoming someone else’s poverty

Can we please take a little time

And truly care about the people in our lives

Can we step out of our closed in boxes

And match not just a name and a face

But a face and a story

And help each other know that we don’t have to be lonely

We all have hurt 

We all have pain

We all have made so many mistakes

We all want peace

We all need love

So together let’s ask for forgiveness

Let’s start a new life

Finding new hope in Christ

And living side by side

Knowing each other’s hearts

And finally listening for the cries

Of breaking people

Desperate for a change in their story

Push to Enough

I push and push
Determined to be
Bigger
Stronger
Faster
Better than ever before

I strain and strain
Struggling to overcome
Weakness
Fear
Pain
Numbing my body

I sweat and sweat
Hoping to see a
Thinner
Fitter
Leaner
Version of me

The push, the strain, the sweat
They produce
Physical results
Mental toughness
And a fighting spirit

But inside
I wonder
Is this all there is to me
Pushing and pushing
Is there an end in sight
Is there a sufficient out there
When do I stop

Ever?
Never?
Only when I'm good enough

Good enough
that's the fight
the fight to prove that I am
That I am enough

And the question still looming
Enough for what..