Upon That Pedestal

You may look
But you don't see
You may judge
But you don't know

You just condemn
No mercy dare you show

You say freak
To a red hair streaked
Eyes shot bright
Skin aged from the fight of life
Heart lost sister

You say fake
To a countenance ached
Clothing haggard
Frown fixed
Hope stolen brother

Stay high upon that pedestal
Your feet dare not meet
A dirt ridden floor
Your hands dare not touch
A filth labeled people

Go to church
Smile in that balcony
And oh sing, worship the King
Then step outside
And return to your comfortable life

Don't dare accept a person called weak
Don't dare inquire of someone unknown
And help a life outside of your own

Don't dare think there's a reason
For a difference in living
Don't dare be okay
With the existence of another right way
Because the path you chose to take
It must be the one and only

Get a heater in your bubble
A sweet cup of tea and a scone
Settle in and get comfy
Don't venture in to the unknown

For that could be frightening
It could cause change and pain
Your bubble could be popped
Letting the heat escape from within

You could be the reason for a life saved
You could be the answer to a hopeless slave
You could be the tool of the Omnipotent one
You could be the Servant of the Son

Knowledge may challenge
It may cause questions and aches
It may cause sorrow and anger
But without this knowledge
There may never be change

May you look and see
May you not judge but know
And may you walk in life
As a servant and friend
To those abandoned
To those different

This World, Please See

Yes please just type

Yes please just tweet

Yes please just completely

Totally, ignore me

Oh no, don’t you think

Of someone other than you

Oh no, don’t you worry

Keep your mind

Trapped inside

The realm of society

For isn’t it far easier

Than joining a life of seeing

Of caring

Of being

And righteously you complain

Because it’s absolutely insane

To only get 12 likes

On that picture you posed for just right

Poor girl, poor girl

You entreat me to say

How difficult it must be

To live without the security

Of constant encouraging

Harsh this may seem

But so real it is becoming

A world absorbed in self

As it has shunned out

All matters thought provoking

Dare you not look down the street

Suppose you see what pains me

A family dividing

A mother fighting

A daughter with insecurity rising

And hope fading away

Children starving

Orphans breaking

Victims shaking

Minds raging

So is it so odd that I go crazy

World, world open your eyes

Don’t just sit, and listen to the cries

Of our falling friends

And don’t tell me it doesn’t sting

To know what you could be doing

Yet our selfishly stung world

It’s so incapable of moving

Until one, one responds to the calling

One allows their heart to guide them

To the darkness of poverty

To be a light to the needy

It just takes one

To keep another from being alone

It just takes another

To spread the love a little further

And light the way

For revival of a drowning world

Home

Never has a buzzer woken me

To such a beginning as it did

I moaned as I read 3 a.m. 

My body fell out of bed 

And rode to a plane 

That flew me to a vast, new place

Completely unknown to me

Far from my family

That same place became my home

I ran off the plane

Sprinting, wide eyed, ready to embrace

Everything coming my way

Little did I know

It was more than I could take

A rickety bus took me across dirt roads

A side window allowed me to see 

Mountains and trees 

Everything new and amazing to me

Someone said bed and I fell in

Not knowing it was the last time

I’d fall asleep with blinded eyes

Sharp streams of sunlight 

Sunk into my skin

Welcoming me to change

To embrace

To new life

I ran and ran

Sprinting up the mountainside

Praying this trip would turn out alright

Washing out the voices of negativity

Replacing them with Yes Lord

And I am yours

Then they came

My babies

My friends

Captors of my heart

The meaning for my being

Broken heart after broken heart 

Stepping off of a bus 

And running into my arms

Strangers that I somehow knew

And then she

The smallest one

Changed me entirely

Her deep brown eyes

Crying desperate

They stung me

Her sweet sweet kisses

Begging love me

They tore me

Her angelic smile

Saying know me

It broke me

So I held her and held her

Kissed her and kissed her

And we danced and we sang

And I wished we could stay this way

Springing from her heart was this hope

Overwhelming our souls was this joy

And we knew, just knew

We were in the presence of Jesus

And there was this peace with us

Despite the aches

Despite the pain

Between the cracks of breaking hearts

And the scars written on beaten faces

Penetrating hope sang

You’re home

You’re home 

You’re home

Golden melodies escaped from their voices

Voices that sang with profound truth

Telling their stories

Sharing their hearts

Through abandonment

Rape

Aids 

Disease

Theft

Neglect

Pain 

Anger

Life

These orphans

They live in hope

They illustrate faith

They illuminate joy

They became my home

Because home is where you’re completey known

Where fear and pain are incapable of taking away

The light and joy that keeps me sane

Home is where I live out my purpose

Where I am called and where I am found

Where my heart is desperate to return

Home is with my babies in Africa

This truth became evident to me

And my soul was taken with despair

When I thought of leaving my new home

And returning to a place where I was no longer known

When I imagined explaining this new story

And finding no words to capture this journey

Wondering how I could take people with me

In a way that could help them walk with me

And walk with my orphans

So I cried out and prayed to the Lord

Until my eyes opened wide

Could no longer stay awake

And I fell into a bed

Not knowing what was to come

But trusting the Lord had a plan

Never has a buzzer awoken me 

To such a beginning as it did 

I cried as I read 5 a.m.

My heart collapsed in my chest

And I climbed aboard the bus with my team

That took me to a now alien place

To a place completely unknown to me

So far away from my African family

Part of My Story

When writing, I always find it easier to put myself in someone else’s shoes, and try to understand their story, their struggle. I want to capture story’s of people who come from all places, but don’t feel like they have a way to let people know what’s going on inside. I try to help others understand people’s perspectives instead of judging someone they really don’t know. And while I love this, I think sometimes I use this as a scapegoat. I focus on other’s struggles and stories because I’m too scared to recognize my own. And even if I do begin writing about what’s going on in my heart and my life, I put the pen down and tear the page out because I find myself wondering if anybody truly cares, if anybody actually wants to know my story.  That’s me, and it defines my story..Insecurity. Looking at that fills me with regret. I despise the fact that I lack confidence, that no matter what, there’s always something inside of me that says I’m not good enough. No matter how hard I try, how intensely I work, I still feel like the expectations are higher than my ability can reach.  I hate feeling sorry for myself, for feeling like I’m struggling with something that’s seems so skin deep to me.  I sit, and feel like I’m lacking, while other people are truly struggling..maybe that’s why I’d rather write their stories than my own, because to me, their stories are more important than mine.

That’s what I first wrote, and then I realized how ignorant I’m being. I was not created to be good enough for anybody or anything. I was created to be used because Christ finds value in my ability, in all of our abilities. In Romans, Paul explains how we all have different gifts, but no matter which gifts we are given we are to use them to glorify Christ.  We are all apart of the body of Christ, and without each one of us the body still may function, but it won’t be the same without a hand or a foot. It will make it harder to reach as many people as we possibly could if the whole body isn’t intact. 

In Psalm 139, David talks about being fully known by God. He says that God knows of our coming and going, he knew us before we were even born.  He knows all of our mistakes, all of our secrets, yet he loves us anyway because to him we are seen as his beautiful children.  The Bible says that we were made fearfully and wonderfully by our Creator who has everlasting love for us. I can’t think of any greater truth than that. 

I’m always pushing and pushing myself to be better and better, but I now realize that there is no point to that unless I’m striving for Christ because he’s the one that always finds value in me. And that I need to share my story. I need to open up because maybe someone needs to know my story, too, so they can realize that they have so much value. 

Thank you Jesus for finding value in worth in me, one who is so underserving.  Thank you for seeing me purely and righteously, and for washing me clean. Thank you for using me for you glory, and for designing a purpose for me.  Thank you for always being with me, and for reminding me that you made me fearfully and wonderfully. I’m sorry that I don’t always recognize how deeply you care for me, but I just praise you for never letting me go, and for always welcoming me home. I pray for those who are struggling with insecurity. I pray that you’ll be their encourager, and that you’ll remind them how loved and valued they are.  Thank you for creating me as I am. I love you Lord. Amen.   

Look at Me

Look at me, look at me

Intensely and closely

And you’ll see 

I’m not who I was made to be

I’m seriously hurting

But not today

Because today you’re too busy

So today you just glance and leave

Quickly and easily

Because actually looking might mean caring

And caring could mean hurting

And hurting should mean really feeling

And what if you feel what I feel

And you have to take extra time to see if I’m alright

And that shouldn’t be expected 

When your schedule is so tight

Right?

Right...

Because helping me means vulnerability

And that is outcast in society

So even if I’m breaking

Even if you can see porcelain me finally cracking

It’s justified to smile and walk by

Because I’ll probably be just fine

Listen to me, listen to me

Attentively and sincerely

And you’ll hear

My pulse is barely beating

And my soul, it’s screaming

But not today

Because today you’re in a rush

Today you only hear the reminders of events

So you just ignore me and flee

Swiftly and carelessly

Because listening might mean hearing

And hearing could mean sympathy

And sympathy should mean relating

And what if our lives are alike

And you feel obligated to spend more time with me

And why should you get stuck with the hurting

When you have places to be

Right?

Maybe next time you’ll think twice

Because when I went home I wasn’t fine

I was depressed and angry

So I took stab at my fading life

I can’t blame you

You can’t blame yourself

But can we please join together

And stop this from becoming someone else’s poverty

Can we please take a little time

And truly care about the people in our lives

Can we step out of our closed in boxes

And match not just a name and a face

But a face and a story

And help each other know that we don’t have to be lonely

We all have hurt 

We all have pain

We all have made so many mistakes

We all want peace

We all need love

So together let’s ask for forgiveness

Let’s start a new life

Finding new hope in Christ

And living side by side

Knowing each other’s hearts

And finally listening for the cries

Of breaking people

Desperate for a change in their story

Push to Enough

I push and push
Determined to be
Bigger
Stronger
Faster
Better than ever before

I strain and strain
Struggling to overcome
Weakness
Fear
Pain
Numbing my body

I sweat and sweat
Hoping to see a
Thinner
Fitter
Leaner
Version of me

The push, the strain, the sweat
They produce
Physical results
Mental toughness
And a fighting spirit

But inside
I wonder
Is this all there is to me
Pushing and pushing
Is there an end in sight
Is there a sufficient out there
When do I stop

Ever?
Never?
Only when I'm good enough

Good enough
that's the fight
the fight to prove that I am
That I am enough

And the question still looming
Enough for what..

Look Closer

Oh he, he's got a

Pulse beating
Life screaming
Head aching
Mind racing
Thinking
How did my life come to this?

Gulping, gulping
Consciousness fleeting
Spinning, spinning
Skin chilling
Lost in an abyss of loneliness
When did alchol become my only friend?

Weeping, weeping
Painful reminiscing
Flashing, flashing
Heart collapsing
Wishing I was stronger than this
Why'd I leave the people who knew me?

And she, she's got an

Inner craving
Soul pleaing
Mind begging
Body seizing
Thinking
What do I have to lose?

Inhaling, inhaling
Brain fogging
Seeping, seeping
Finally relaxing
Trapped by the need to escape
When did this drug claim me?

Falling, falling
Fingers scratching
Screeching, screeching
Anger flying
Wishing I had turned away
Why'd I give in to this?

And they, they've got

Fists clenching
Adrenaline climbing
Surges rising
Bitterness biting
Thinking
Why am I so angry?

Punching, punching
Everything raging
Crashing, crashing
Body exploding
Overcome by pain
Wishing I could scream forever
When did I let this world chain me?

Fighting, fighting
Sweat pouring
Kicking, kicking
Soul shaking
Wishing I could feel peace
Why can't I escape?

From the outside
They're seen
For what's controlling them
The addiction
The need
The rage
The pain
The bitterness
The loneliness
It's overtaken them

They're judged for their struggle
They're seen as weak
They're mocked and abandoned
Left even more alone

Because we don't see their hearts plea
We don't hear their souls scream
We don't recognize their need for escape
Or their desire to break free

We don't realize their heart is crying
We don't feel their souls dying
Or their mind giving in

So instead of judging what you don't know
Instead of hating what you see as the lowest of the low
Instead of ridiculing those already gasping people
Why don't you think,
What if that were me?

What if my dad had abused me
What if my parents had divorced
What if my mom left me
What if I suffered from rape
What if I never knew any other escape
And what if I did all I was capable of to get rid of the hurt and pain
Yet, still my heart was never satisfied
What if I'd rather just die than try to live with the memories of this life

So maybe instead of sticking our noses high
As we pass by people on the streets
Whose faces are worn and weak
Thinking
They're lazy and underqualified
They don't even try
Maybe, just maybe we should ask their story
Maybe we should be their rescue from feeling lonely
Maybe we should share with them how they are loved
And maybe, just maybe, when they see that there is hope
They'll slowly edge out of the life that they used to know

Maybe if we really try
We can lead them away from the pain and the strife
We can show them the grace and mercy found in Christ
We can teach them of healing, of satisfaction and communion
And maybe, just maybe they'll find freedom

So let's look closer
Into their sorrowful eyes
And let's pray harder
For the people we've walked by
Let's become the hands and feet of Christ
Showing the broken
The one that forever satisfies

Out of Control

I can't help but weep as I think of her smile. I can't help but weep as I dream of her grasp on me. I can't help but weep as I desperately cling to this fading memory. Where is she now? I shudder just thinking of this question, but it lurks deep inside of me. Is she even breathing? This girl whose name I never even learned has changed my life, opened my eyes, and has been used to capture my heart forever. Because I held her for fifteen minutes, I can't ever let her go. She's my baby. My sweet, smiling, dancing African orphan.
When I recall my trip, she's the face I can't get out of my head. We spoke a different language, yet I understood what she needed without uttering a single word. She needed to be held, to be lifted off the ground. She needed hope, and love, and peace, and rest. And in that moment I was able to give her enough. Yet, the one working there wasn't me. I may have been there physically, but in reality it was the Lord using me to touch that precious girl that was really satisfying. But as I set her down, and walked away, I caught a glipse of the immense love the Lord has for His children. I couldn't bare leaving her in a place out of my reach. I pressed my sweaty palm to the window of our departing van, as I watched her smiley face fade away. I tried to hold onto any control I had left, hoping my will could prevail. I weeped as we drove away. What would happen to my baby in her poverty stricken, parentless, and seemingly hopeless world?
As these thoughts spun through my head, my longing turned into anger. I didn't understand how my loving God could let that girl suffer. I sat in bed, pounding my fist into my matress, but no amount of force could take the piercing sting out of my heart. Friends told me I couldn't be angry with the Lord, that this isn't his fault. But that just made me more angry until I was out of control. And that was just it, just what I had to realize. I'm not in control.
See, I believe Satan was playing a game with me. He was forcing my mind to go to the worst places. I would imagine my baby being a victim of rape. I imagined her starving, helpless, hopeless, and alone. I was trying to protect her anyway I could, but from and ocean away not much could be done. I needed a solution.
And then the thought came back to me. I'm not in control echoed through my head. Finally I realized that I had to give control to the Lord. He's the solution, not the cause. I fell on my knees and I pleaded with the Lord. I begged Him to save my girl. I cried out to Him saying take control, Lord take control. I asked Him to protect her, to provide for her, and to let her know that He is her forever Father. I continue to pray for her everyday, for all the children the Lord used me to hold, and for the ones out of my grasp.

As I continue to pray, another thought rolls through my head. I pray for the Lord to cure sickness and pain, and to make His truth known throughout the depths of the world, yet I realize now that the church is the way His will can be accomplished. He wants to use us to make his truth known, to spread his love, and to love on the orphaned, the sick, the impoverished, and the starving. We are his hands and feet, his body. It's not enough to just pray. Don't get me wrong, praying is so, so important, but as His body we need to act. We are called to love actively and generously, and we don't have to go half way across the world to do that. Is your neighbor a Christian? Have you loved on them recently? We aren't called to force the Lord upon them, we are called to love, and hope that through that love they may see Christ. Sure we can share the love of the Lord with them through words, but if those words aren't backed by action, what good are they? What meaning do they really have? So let's love, and as the body let's take action. Let's not let one more child live with a heart that reads starving. Let's not let our neighbors live with a life that screams lost. Let's allow the Lord to work through us in love, so His will may be done. Let's be equipped with ears that hear the whisper of the Lord, so we may follow Him all the days of our lives, loving with the abundance that he loves us with.
That's my only hope anyway, that's my only hope for my prayers to be answered. I may not be able to touch my girl from America, but God can answer my prayers through someone nearer to her, and use them to hold her while I'm here. God's arms stretch farther than I can imagine, and His church is everywhere. I am comforted because I know that as I pray, God is sending a servant to hold my girl, and He, He's holding her precious heart.

Father of the Forgotten

She weeps
Body sprawled upon a diminishing heart beat
Without peace
Not understanding what this means
The dirt floor becomes mud
Drenched with the downfall of tears
From not one, two, or three
But six
Now orphaned children
They watched their mother leave
Half relieved she's escaped the pain of her disease
HIV
Where will they turn now?

Add six to the millions
Of parentless children
Roaming the streets
Forgotten

She screams
Sold to slavery to provide for her five siblings
Not knowing it meant losing her body
The memories flashback
Like a hurricane of pain
If only she could escape
But she's bruised and lame
Where could she go anyway?

Add one to the millions
Of sexually abused girls
Just trying to provide for their family
But not understanding reality
Forgotten

She sinks
Hollow cheeks
Cracking bones
Never has she felt so weak
Her mouth dries out
Unable to remember her last drink
A drop of water falls from the pipes
Like a helpless child she sticks out her tongue
And it tastes so sweet
A glance of hope in her starving world

Add one to the millions
Of starving children
Just striving for a possibility of provision
But never getting rescued
Forgotten

He bleeds
Filled with pain and anguish
Abandoned and weak
Hung out to dry
Spit on and mocked
His bones are broken
Hands and feet with nails driven through them
Totally alone
Separated from the greatest love He's ever known

He's the one who feels the crucifying pain
He's the one that knows what it's like to feel alone
He's the one who stands with the forgotten
Because He knows their story
He recognizes them as His own
And He, He remembers them
The forgotten
They're His children