Mosaics

Mosaics are made of shattered glass, and there is beauty in being broken.

The saddest thing I’ve ever seen is not someone broken over loss or bawling in grief. The saddest thing I’ve ever seen is someone totally numbed.

When you go to the dentist to get teeth pulled, the dentist is trying to correct a problem. Before they pull the teeth, they put a shot in your mouth that numbs the pain. The shot hurts a little, but not nearly as much as it would hurt if you weren’t numb. Afterwards, you feel okay. Sure your lips feel puffy and lifeless and you can’t eat anything, but at least you don’t feel the pain. But what happens when the numbness wears off?

What happens when you feel the pain you tried so hard to avoid?

Painkillers! That’s right. More and more drugs temporarily alleviate the pain and then again you unnaturally feel okay. Now you can eat and drink and go about your life and somehow feel just fine.

While this process works for coping with outside physical pain, it destroys people when they apply it to inside heart pain.

People are hit with a problem, a bad grade on a test, fighting parents, divorce, insecurity, impossible expectations, not feeling good enough, disease, financial loss, disappointment, abuse, a break up, or whatever other crappy problems that come in life. People handle the problems in two ways, by numbing the effects or by choosing to feel and process the pain as they fix their eyes on hope, knowing that comfort is coming. The latter of the two is by far the most rewarding, but also the most work.  So each of us has to make a choice. Is it worth it to finally be healed?

Let’s see.

The first option, numbness, comes to people who have been hit by extremely hard pain a ridiculous amount of times. They hurt so deeply and see no hope.  They see no point in dwelling on the hurt because they see no avenue for healing, or at least not one worth taking. They find it easier to cut off all emotions rather than risk feeling the hardest ones. They distract themselves with life and business and friends and events. They drink and drink. They have sex or everything else before sex. They pour themselves into family and relationships, but don’t open themselves up completely. They say they are fine, and at times they convince themselves they are, but beneath the shot of numbness lies years of hurt and pain that demand to be felt.

When people continue to drown themselves in whatever substance they can find, they get to a point where they can’t help themselves anymore. They are empty. Nothing fills, nothing satisfies. It’s a point so low and unfathomable and so far from God that life doesn’t seem worth it, being healed doesn’t seem worth it, trying to figure out truth and answers doesn’t seem worth it. I’ve seen this point in neighbors, in friends, in my parents, in people I love and it shatters my heart.

Jesus spoke of these people saying, “Indeed in their case the prophecy of Isaiah is fulfilled that says: ‘You will indeed hear but never understand, and you will indeed see but never perceive. For this people’s heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.” Matthew 13:14-15

Jesus is speaking of people who hear his teaching and his parables, but instead of asking questions and seeking and trying to know more, they harden their heart to him. They think they can do it on their own. They don’t think it’s worth figuring out. Yet at any point Jesus says come to me and I will heal you because he knows that his way brings real life and real joy and real satisfaction, and he so desires that for all people.

I’m so sorry if you have experienced so many hard things that it doesn’t seem worth it to feel the pain anymore or to try to process or figure life out. I’m sorry if you are at a point where you can’t handle the pain, where you would rather feel nothing than feel the weight of the world crushing your soul. Dear love I am sorry. I am sorry if your heart is hard and your soul is numb and nothing seems worth it anymore.

But I have good news and my heart yearns to share with you.

This news is not a temporary escape, it is not a quick fix, it does not give immediate gratification, but it promises a life of pain and joy, a life of purpose and satisfaction and fulfillment, a life of overwhelming love and comfort like you have never experienced before.

This news makes the effort worth it and by comparison nothing else in life is worth anything when this news is understood because it is beautiful, awakening, refreshing, life-giving news.

The answer is Jesus. How do I deal with the pain? How do I not remain numb? I run to Jesus. I pray and pray and pray and read and read and have conversation and set my mind and heart and soul on good things.

Jesus is a man who suffered every type of pain and anguish in the highest amount so that you could have life. He didn’t do this so you could have an okay life or even a content life.

Psalm 66:12 says “We went through fire and through water yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.”

Jesus desires you to reach a place of abundance. You go through fire and through water, but through Jesus you reach a place of abundant joy, abundant love, abundant satisfaction. Jesus promises a full life, a joyful life, a life of comfort and rest and healing and challenges and growth and goodness.

Hebrews 3 talks about a man named Moses who God used to bring his chosen people, the Israelites, out of slavery and into freedom. However, once God rescued the people from slavery, they hardened their hearts to him. They made their own gods and their hearts turned from God. Speaking in reference to these people God proclaimed, “Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says, today if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion on the day of testing in the wilderness where your fathers put me to the test and saw my works for forty years. Therefore I was provoked with that generation and said, They always go astray in their heart; they have not known my ways. As I swore in my wrath, they shall not enter my rest.”

The audience being spoken to is being warned to not harden their hearts like the Israelites did when they were in rebellion against God. The sought after their own gods to try to fill the place of the One true God. God was angry because he loved these people so well and so faithfully, and they still didn’t choose him. Thankfully, today we have the opportunity to choose differently. Today when you hear God’s voice, don’t harden your heart any longer. Let God in.

Jesus says, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Peter writes, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

And Psalm 55:22 “Cast our cares on the Lord and he will sustain you.”

Proverbs 3:6 “In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

James 4:8 “Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands you sinners and purify your hearts you double-minded.”

Matthew 7:7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Psalm 107: 19-21” Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.”

Christ calls himself comforter, redeemer, healer, and friend and he wants to be all of that and so much more for you.

But his way, the way of feeling the pain and surrendering and processing in order to heal is not easy. You will break and you will hurt, but gradually and ultimately you will be miraculously healed and restored by the only One who can satisfy you forever. No longer will you have to live in chaotic business, in chains of trying to please others or be good enough. No longer will you have to search for temporary alleviation of pain. No longer will you be numbed.

Let the Lord be your escape.

I invite you, I entreat you because I so deeply love you to cry out to the Lord. Humbly beg him to come into your life again because you can’t and don’t want to do it on your own anymore. You don’t want to be alone. You want to feel the pain so you can finally feel his overwhelming comfort and love. You want to process and you don’t want to be hard and numb. Ask him to save you, ask him to process with you, ask him to heal you, ask him to put people alongside you that support you and love you and Him. Thank Him for never letting you go. Realize your need for Him alone and surrender all you are to Him because He wants to nail your pain to the cross and make you new. Let Him make you new.

Praise God that he take our brokenness and heals. Praise God that he uses all things for our good and His glory. Praise God that he never leaves us or forsakes us. Praise God that he never gives up on us. Praise God that through perseverance we have joy.

Praise God for His gift of inexpressible and glorious joy. Praise God for boldness and courage and for doing impossible things. Praise God for melting hearts of stone. Let all the earth praise the Lord.

Lemons

If you withstand lemons
I don't think you're sour
Rather I think you can find something tasty
In the seemingly icky

And I commend you
For if a drop of lemon ever touched my tongue
I would spit and spat
Until I tasted none

But somehow someway
There are people everyday
Who are willing to taste a little lemon
And still smile all the same

I so wish I could be this way

Love

I know a love capable
I know a love sovereign
I know a love driven
I know a love overwhelmed

My heart pours this love
Oh, child know love
I beg you know love
As you haven't before

Orphan
Never loved before
Clinging to fleeting hope
Yearning for touch
Her heart never knows
Penetrate love on her Father

My Father bled love
To spread on those
Whose lives loveless
Cry desperate

Fill me with love
Send me to spread love
Let them feel the love
And not forget

Instill truth in them
They are not forgotten
Oh Father of love
Consume us in love
That we may produce your love

Stained Glass

You know when you look at stained glass
And see colors separated by thin cracks
Making a picture that shows life
Or a representation of hope of life

You think how easy it would be to throw a stone
And crack
The glass is shattered
Millions of colors across the church floor
A picture of hope destroyed
Lives broken by one thrown stone

Many people saw that picture before it was broken
They looked at the beauty, the perfection
They hoped and wished to live like the picture
To live a life of color

Many people experienced the impact of the stone
Many people held anger towards the one by which it was thrown
Yet not one had the strength to fully mend it
It was beyond their power to take millions of pieces
Millions of hearts
And bind them again into one picture

But there was one
One more powerful than any person
One with a vision, a love, a hope for the once beautiful creation
One who was willing to walk all around the floor
Picking up shard by shard of broken, stained glass
Willing to be cut by the sharp edges
Willing to remain hopeful despite the seemingly impossible circumstances
Willing to use every ounce of power to demonstrate his will

So that every piece he studied
Every shard he touched
Was restored to the life-filled picture
And after a moment or millennium
The stained glass came together in unity
And his light shown gloriously
Restored to the perfection it was made to be

South Africa 2012

I look all around me, and see

Injustice.

It's raging.

I look all around me, and fight

Fight feeling helpless

Fight feeling hopeless

Fight feeling useless

Wondering if I could really change anything.

Wondering if I'm strong enough.

Wondering if I have the will

Before I could protect it

my heart breaks

The depths of my soul strain

In anguish

In pain

Seeing scarred faces

Seeing hands weakly flutter

Not knowing when this orphan last ate

Not knowing who will love her when I'm on the plane

Not knowing who will hold her when she's all alone

Not knowing who will bring her hope when she's skin and bone

If I leave, I leave my heart

Lifeless me returns to my sad reality

Depression sets in

Worry. Anger. Confusion.

Loss of understanding

Overwhelming tears.

Doubt, however, doesn't enter

Doubt stays out of the picture

My heart tells me there is hope

With a smile on her face

There is hope

With hands clinging to my clothes

There is hope

With a tear filled face

I know there is hope

Because God weeps

I have hope

Because God sends

I can give hope through him

Because He made me to be his hands and feet

This hope doesn't end

hope lives in His will through us

hope lives in the hearts of orphans


hope resounds in the love of Jesus


hope inhabits the children of God

hope compells me to take action

We can't lose this hope

We can't turn away

With all the confusion

With all the pain

Let's not let hope stray away

See it's Satan that tries to take this hope away

He uses confusion to pull us to the grave

But when we volunteer to die daily

We have hope of new life

We have victory

And He, he's defeated.

So we live in hope

We breathe in hope

Because hope is the only chance we have

Hope is the breath we take

I see hope in the beautiful eyes of orphans

Hope of survival

Hope of love

Hope of becoming a leader

Hope in the name of Jesus

If I could have half that hope

Oh the difference the Lord could make

There is a time for sadness

A time for tears

But there's a time to rise and realize

It is by grace we are saved

through faith

It's a gift from God

All the time is the time to be thankful

And this gratitude

It brings hope.

Hope that these children will be saved

Hope that God can use us to pick them up

To give them enough

Hope that the rape, the AIDS, the sickness and pain

Will disappear, will be healed

Hope that when we reach the end of the age

We'll be forever together

Glorifying the King

Hope that they remember our love

Hope that we can return

Faith that God is holding them in His right hand

Trust that the Lord has a plan

Joy that the Lord has overcome the world

Exuberance

Knowing the Lord is bringing revival

Excitement in rejoicing with all the time we have

Until we meet face to face

And our hope is made complete

When our hearts are united as family

When we warmly embrace

When the greatest love we have ever known

Tells us "I am the reason for your hope"

Until that day we hope in the Lord

We let hope and love drive our hearts heavenward

We love everyday

Thankful for an opportunity to give our lives away

In hope that we will engage others

Into a love relationship

With the King

Hoping, they'll join the family

So injustice will cease

So crying will cease

So love will overcome everything

So all we have hoped for will be filled

As we hear our Father say "Welcome Home"

South Africa 2013

Rocking in my seat and rising up to grab my bag, I could hardly believe that I was finally back to the place where my heart claimed its home.  Joy filled my heart and tears enveloped me knowing I would soon see the children that I loved so much and whose joy inspired me to find my own in the Lord, whose hearts were steadfast, yet so broken, and whose need to be loved called me in.  Our first adventure began at a church in Madumaleeng where we encountered passionate and joyful followers of Christ.  We danced and we sang and I was amazed and refreshed by their passionate spirits and their joy despite having so little. Why, when we have so much, are we still so unhappy? Perhaps because their treasure is in a different, fulfilling place.

After church I was simply full of excitement for I knew this was only a taste of the week to come.  A day later the teenage aged orphans arrived and I jumped in anticipation, I so loved them, so missed them, and so begged for their hurried arrival.  When their bus pulled up I screamed with joy and hugged each and every one of them earnestly.  Good gracious I love those kids! A bit of awkward introductions slid by and the retreat began. Talk after talk went by and unfamiliarity and anxiety faded to the background as openness and acceptance fled in. We made posters and skits and songs and raps, but more importantly we learned together about our walks with Christ and we built lasting relationships filled with love. I instantly cliqued with my girls Dolly, Makoma, Pertunia, Girly, and Juliet, and I desperately wanted them to know how much I loved them, and how much God loves them.  I told Girly one night and her face turned into a shocked and amazed gaze as if she questioned if anyone could actually love her. The next morning I heard a “Maddie, Maddie!” from her, and shortly after the miraculous words, “I love you.”  With this love God’s kingdom is built.  The kids left the next day and although I knew I would see them in a couple days when we visited their drop in center, it was still so hard to say goodbye to them. I wrote each of the girls at my table letters that told them how much I love them, how amazing they are, that I will never forget them, but more importantly that God will never forget these children who feel like they’ve been forgotten their entire lives. I reminded them that God uses the least likely to restore His kingdom, and that He deeply and passionately loves them.  I told them not to read them until they were on the bus, and immediately when they got on they all pulled out their letters and read. I saw tears roll down their cheeks, and I watched Girly mouth the words, “I will never forget you.” She looked at me with her deep brown eyes, and their was this hope instilled in her that I hadn’t seen before accompanied by an amazement that this love she felt was real, and that it wasn’t just a passing feeling, but that it was a commitment. I wept as their bus drove away, missing my beautiful children already.

            The following day we ventured down to Segkopo village to visit an orphan drop in center there.  I was extremely excited to visit because I hoped that the girls that were in my retreat group the past year would be there so I could see them again. We got there and I searched all around, but I didn’t see them. My heart dropped with disappointment until I realized how selfish my expectations were, and that I needed to focus on the kids around me and love them the best I knew how. We began playing with the kids, high fiving them, and smiling back at their beaming faces. The amazing Segkopo choir performed for us, and their angelic voices brought me to tears because I was overwhelmed with love for them and amazed by the joy of the Lord. When they turned towards me, I saw three of my girls in the choir that I had met last year, and I was so excited! The love we shared was so real and they ran up to me, embracing me and saying, “Maddie! You came back! You didn’t forget about us!” For me, the whole trip was worth them realizing that truth because they have lived most of their lives believing that they are forgotten, that they aren’t loved, and that they are abandoned, yet by the beauty of God’s love the truth was made known to them. We got to talk more and hug and kiss and play and dance with each other and with all the kids, and I could feel the joy of the Lord.  I picked up children with the most desperate faces, and my heart broke knowing that they may have never been held by someone who loved them before. They may have never felt love through touch before, yet they deserve all the love in the world. As I picked up child after child, orphan after orphan, they clung to me, and the pain of the release stung me.  I just want to hold them forever, and protect them, and love them with the love of their Father, which is why it’s so hard to let go, but I knew I needed to trust in the Lord and know that He is holding their hearts. 

            The day after visiting Segkopo, we went to Madumeleeng drop in center, which is where the retreat kids were from. We were all very excited to see the kids again, but I had even more excitement because I knew I was going to meet the boy that I sponsor and the children that my dad sponsors. I heard so many people talk about how awesome it was to meet their sponsor child, and I couldn’t wait. When we first stepped out of the van I saw Girly and Juliet, and I sprinted to them and gave them such tight hugs. I love them so much. “You came back! You came back!” They exclaimed. We sang and danced together and with the other kids at the drop in center, and the Lord’s presence was real. Soon after I met Thapelo, the child that I sponsor, and the two other girls that my dad sponsors. I felt the love that parents feel for children when I met them because that’s exactly how I viewed them. My love for them multiplied by infinity if that’s even possible.  I hugged them tightly and told them how much I loved them, and that I prayed for them everyday.  They were all shy at first, but when we started dancing together I saw their beautiful, beaming smiles and they began to open up. Seeing their smiles literally melted my heart because I just wanted to know that they felt joy. Later Thapelo and I made a secret handshake that I won’t forget, and I held him in my arms for as long as possible. Girly, Juliet, and I would find each other’s faces and smile and I could feel the love that we shared.  All too quickly it was time to say goodbye, and this was by far the hardest goodbye I have ever had to say.  I first said goodbye to my dad’s kids, reminding them how much he loved them, and then to Thapelo. Leaving him hurt so much and brought me to tears because I wanted to take care of him, to keep him safe, and to hold him and love him, and I couldn’t.  I had to leave him to a dangerous place full of sorrow and pain and hope that the Lord would protect him. My heart yearns to love him more, and it’s so difficult to be so far away.  Next, I had to say goodbye to Girly and Juliet, two girls that I had completely fallen in love with.  We said goodbye and they left only to return to say it again five or six more times, and it became harder each time. Finally, all overwhelmed by tears, we just prayed and prayed together, until we finally had to leave. My heart tore leaving them.  I can only hope they truly know the reality of the love I have for them, and that they are overwhelmed by the love of Christ. I pray that he raises them up as leaders, that they become his disciples, and that they live in Him, and that he fills them completely.

We finished up our trip by going on an African safari!!  While I was so thankful for this because it was so awesome to see God’s amazing creation and because it was a great time to debrief, it was also difficult because it’s not where my heart wanted to be and most of the time my mind was going back to the orphans, wondering about them and thinking of them, but I tried to be as present as possible. We were able to see a lion, giraffes, zebras, hippos, rhinos, and even pet a cheetah! (Which my parents were not thrilled to be told.  Oopsies (: ) The safari was a blast and our insane driver Jaco made it even better as he wasn’t afraid of taking down trees or getting stuck 20 meters from a lion as long as we got to see it. I am convinced he’s insane. Still, it was a great way to end the trip.

Finally, it became time to depart for the states, and my heart was broken.  I didn’t want to leave my beautiful children that my heart yearns to love, but as Doug reminded us, God brings us here to send us back. It was now my duty to go and tell about all that I saw, learned, and experienced; it was my duty to tell of the brokenness and the joy and the hope.  Still, even while doing this, it’s so difficult to try and help others understand the full change and to realize that I can’t become frustrated if they don’t understand.  I struggle everyday with anger over the materialism, pride, and selfishness of our world when so many people are suffering and are in desperate need, and it just makes me sad.  But I know I need to hope in the Lord, that I need to share my story and love on people here so they may have the heart of the Lord.  I know that the brokenness of our world is not the fault of our God, for this is not the world he created, but rather it is our own sin that crucified him, and as his church, as his body, as his hands and feet we are called to be Jesus to the broken, the widowed, and the orphaned. As the church I beg you, please take this call and this commissioning seriously, for this world is in desperate need of our Jesus. We are called to be selfless and full of love, and to be tools for God’s hands to extend and hold the world. And we should act as his church not because of any rewards we might receive, but instead because we are overwhelmed by the love of the Lord, and because we want to love him back completely. So please, let’s be the church and live out the love that this world is so desperate for.